[Pulling into the BevMo (a store that sells only alcoholic beverages) parking lot]

“You know, it’s really a shame they don’t have special parking for expectant mothers.”

 

[After I read aloud a Christmas card greeting with "Have fun celebrating Juniper's first Christmas" written on it]

B: “They’re having fun?  How?”

A: “They’re telling us to.”

B: “Oh.  That makes more sense.”

 

[As we exit a restaurant, we see a small girl crawling around and playing in the gravel near the parking lot as her father, indifferent, stares into the distance.]

“At least he won’t have to save for college.”

 

What’s a Turkism? Find out here.

“If I were a lawyer, I’d sue the English language.” -Burcu

[The following comments ensued when Burcu sat down to watch roughly fifteen minutes of Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back.  The fifteen minutes in question start as Luke Skywalker flies to Dagobah to seek out Yoda.]

 

“Look!  He’s a vagabond…What’s a vagabond?”

 

“Is he going to Yodaland?”

 

“What is he eating?  A dog bone?”

 

B: “I liked it better when they had a small person in Yoda.”

A: “Yoda was a puppet.  Ewoks were little people in costumes.”

B: “Why not Yoda?”

A: “He’s too small.”

B: “They could have used a baby.  Juniper could do it.”

 

“Yoda’s been hitting the eggnog too hard.”

 

[Watching the Emperor on screen]

“He’s the worst of all.  He’s the Yoda of the bad side.”

 

[The scene takes place in Yoda's house]

“Is that a snake?  Why does he have a snake on his coffee table?  Is he eccentric?”

 

What’s a Turkism? Find out here.

“If I were a lawyer, I’d sue the English language.” -Burcu

[Looking up into my eyes, after a warm hug]

“You know, I really look up to you.  But only out of necessity.  You’re taller than me.”

 

“It must be hard to be a man.  Get it?  Get it?  Hard.  You know, the erections.”

 

“You’re a serial killer.  You killed my spirit.  My dreams.  My youth.  My happiness.  Where did you bury them?”

 

“Spoon me.  I’m Batman.”

 

What’s a Turkism? Find out here.

“If I were a lawyer, I’d sue the English language.” -Burcu

[As I turn the television to the Discovery Channel]

“I don’t want to learn.  God damnit, I’m gonna close my eyes.  Change it!”

 

“I don’t know what that means and I’m not going to learn it now!”

[Covers ears with her hands and yells "La La La La La"]

 

[Testing to see if she knows which presidents are on US currency]

A: “Who’s on the ten dollar bill?”

B: “Jack Daniels?”

 

[The Christmas song by Alvin & the Chipmunks starts to play on the radio with "Dave" saying "Alright, chipmunks!"]

B: [Outraged] “What?!?  What did he just say?”

A: “He’s talking to his chipmunk children.”

B: “Oh.  I thought he was insulting us.”

 

What’s a Turkism? Find out here.

“If I were a lawyer, I’d sue the English language.” -Burcu

“I have no shame.  Just look at what I’m wearing.”

 

[Watching Juniper move her hand in myriad, dexterous ways]

A: “Looks like she’s flashing gang signs.  Are you a Blood or a Crip, little one?”

B: “She’s a shark.”

A: ?

B: “She’s old school.”

 

“Beggars can’t be choosers.  Actually, I once met a beggar that was a chooser.  In Turkey.  When I was in high school.”

 

What’s a Turkism? Find out here.

“If I were a lawyer, I’d sue the English language.” -Burcu

“What Would Jesus Do…For a Klondike Bar?”

 

[Doing the sign of the cross]

“Father, son, coffee table, end chair.”

 

“How come I don’t get to eat your Jesus chips?”

[Communion wafer]

 

[After asking a long series of questions about what Easter is, how Jesus died, and what happened after.]

“So when did Jesus turn into a bunny?”

 

What’s a Turkism? Find out here.

“If I were a lawyer, I’d sue the English language.” -Burcu

“Embrace the idea of hugs.”

 

[Looking out at our backyard, full of weeds] 

“We should buy a cow and let it graze…and we’ll call it Graze Anatomy.” 

[Groan]

 

“Everyone knows I’m a hetero-genius!”

 

“The French bear, Winnie de Pooh.”

 

What’s a Turkism? Find out here.

“If I were a lawyer, I’d sue the English language.” -Burcu

[Looking at our dinner as Burcu began to have stronger contractions] 

“So this is what I’ll be pooping on my doctor tonight.  Hope they like baked ziti.” 

 

[Trying to get Juniper to breastfeed] 

“It’s like trying to get a gay man interested in your boobs.” 

 

[Watching Juniper smile as she sleeps] 

B: “Look, I think she’s dreaming.”

A: “I wonder what babies even dream about.”

B: “Murder.”

 

What’s a Turkism? Find out here.

“If I were a lawyer, I’d sue the English language.” -Burcu

“When I was younger, one of the baker’s sons was in love with me.  I could have been rolling in dough.”

 

 

One evening, Burcu and I were playing the board game, Cranium, and it was her turn to act out the clues in a manner similar to charades (using only gestures and sounds, but no words).  The card’s only clue was that it was a person.

 

Burcu proceeded to walk merrily across the room and appear to take off an imaginary coat, all the while humming an indiscernible tune.

 

Rather unexpectedly, she begins to simulate the act of a man masturbating himself, eyes rolled back in her head, and grunting.  Naturally, I am shocked.  Or, at least I pretend to be.  This is, after all, Burcu.  But still, this is supposed to be a game that kids can play.

 

This sequence of events repeats for two more cycles before our time runs out.  I am completely baffled.

 

Burcu, exasperated, begins to argue that she couldn’t believe I didn’t guess the answer.

 

“You know, it was that guy with the children’s show who got caught masturbating in a theater.”

 

“Oh, okay, Pee Wee Herman,” I reply.

 

“Oh.  That’s not what the card says.”

 

First confusion, then a sheepish smile spreads across Burcu’s face as she looks at the card.

 

“Okay then, who’s Mr. Rogers?”

 

He was the nice man in the sweater that I used to watch at my grandmother’s house, before the imagery of that charade forever raped my childhood.  That’s who.  It’s no wonder Mr. Rogers had to keep asking, “Won’t you be my neighbor?”

 

 

 

I’m a bit of a connoisseur of pirate jokes and had recently told one to Burcu that has numerous variations, but boils down to essentially this premise:

 

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship’s steering wheel down his pants. 

The bartender says, “Excuse me, but do you realize you have a ship’s wheel down the front of your pants?”

The pirate replies, “Aye, I do.  And, it’s driving me nuts.”

 

A few weeks had passed since I’d told this (or any) pirate joke, and Burcu was relating how she had this great pirate joke she wanted to tell.  Very excitedly, she sets up the joke, adding her own little flourishes, until she gets to the punch-line.

Proudly, she says:

“Aye, I know.  And it’s driving me crazy!”

 

What’s a Turkism? Find out here.

“If I were a lawyer, I’d sue the English language.” -Burcu

[To me, as I was attempting to sleep in on a Saturday morning.]

“You’re so much like a sea otter.  You don’t want to come out from under the covers.  Another way you resemble a sea otter: your beautiful smile.”

 

[Singing] 

When I look into your eyes, I see love.

When I look into your ears, I see wax.

When I look into your mouth, I see food.

I wish that I could eat it with you.

 

 

“I never liked maps.  They always felt so forced.  Go to sleep now.”

 

 

“Feliz Jalepenos!  Accidente caliente!”

 

 

[Spelling, in the format of a spelling bee]

“Squirrel.  S – Squirrel, Q – Squirrel, U – Squirrel, [etc. etc.]”

 

What’s a Turkism? Find out here.

“If I were a lawyer, I’d sue the English language.” -Burcu