Washington, DC is 12 square miles bordered by reality.

- Andrew Johnson

 

 

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

- Jimmy Carter

 

 

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

-Joe E. Lewis

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

-W. C. Fields

When it comes to self-aggrandizement, I am the BEST.

-Avery Edison

I’m using WWoWW (like the dirty whore it is) to take the opportunity to highlight an extremely funny individual by the name of Avery Edison. 

 

Anyone who has ever discussed Twitter with me is already well familiar with my lowly opinion of it.  Even typing the word “twitter” or “tweet” fills me with uncontrollable rage and adjectives like narcissistic, pointless, self-absorbed, worthless (except maybe that instance when Iranian protesters used it to coordinate their election disapproval), colossal waste of time-y (sorry, had to make it an adjective). 

 

So says I.  The guy whose blog you’re reading.  But this isn’t about tea or kettles or color, so shut up.

 

Besides the mind-numbingly boring glimpses into the banal and mundane rituals of daily life that most often comprise tweets (I really don’t give a flying fuckabaloo if you’re at the dentist, or buying bread, or playing a video game), I think what bothers me is the trend towards greater and greater brevity.  The magical world of tubes that is the internet is filled with millions of billions of distractions all vying for our attention, but it saddens me that the trend has been to move towards briefer, and far less substantial or thoughtful, content.  It all translates to a dumbed down soundbite.  That turns my frown rightside down.

 

Also, maybe it feels like sad burning inside because I am overly verbose and lack an internal editor as far as text length goes.  Just a theory. 

 

So, imagine my shock when I actually visited someone’s Twitter feed and enjoyed it!  Why the shift in me?  Well, I think Avery Edison achieves something very special with her tweets – she melds her humor seemlessly with the 140 character limits, without sacrificing wit or insight.  A rare feat.  Hence, I’d like to highlight some of my favorites from her here.  Enjoy.

 

If you don’t think Obama deserves that Nobel, then you’ve never seen Sasha and Malia fight.

 

It’s really hard to say some things with a straight face. For instance, “honey, I’m having a stroke.”

 

“It’s A Small World, After All” is a pretty depressing song if you’re up on your overpopulation statistics.

 

Ugh. Toilet backed up. Called a plumber, but all he did was kill my turtle and eat all my flowers. His paycheck is in another castle.

 

I’m not a megalomaniac, because I’m better than that. Way, WAY better than that.

 

I really hate when people inappropriately and incorrectly use science terms. I guess it’s something I picked up by osmosis.

 

I’ve lost my sense of perspective. Still, it could worse. Or better.

 

Time spent debating carrot vs. stick is time you could be using to think of an excuse for the proctologist.

 

Want to have your cake and eat it too? BUY TWO CAKES.

 

Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. And every time you have sex, this one angel gets his binoculars.

 

I know that you need to support the baby’s head or else it’ll flop back. But I also know that I really want some Pez.

 

Never judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes. Because then he can judge you too, THIEF.

 

Back in kindergarten I really had my work cut out for me. Seriously. Couldn’t figure out safety scissors. Teacher helped.

 

There are no stupid people, only stupid people. Wait, that doesn’t make sense — OH GOD I’M ONE OF THEM.

 

When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are. Because that doesn’t work.

 

 

For about 1,500 more, check out Avery Edison’s Twitter page here.

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

-George Bernard Shaw

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

-Fran Lebowitz

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

-George Burns

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

-P. J. O’Rourke

Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected.

-Robert Orben