http://witcracker.com "A site of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy." Fri, 07 May 2010 16:54:24 +0000 http://backend.userland.com/rss092 en Apparently, I'm not the only one who had this happen to them.  Check out Michael Lacher's "The Only Thing That Can Stop This Asteroid is Your Liberal Arts Degree" over at McSweeney's. It's magically hilarious. http://witcracker.com/this-happened-to-me-once-i-swear.php Thanks.  Wow.  What a great audience.   [Attempt to adjust microphone.  Fail.  Give up adjusting microphone and crouch uncomfortably to speak into microphone.  Fumble notecards.]    They say that the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach.  I don't agree.  I think it's through the sternum.     [Pause for laughter.]   Then again, the sternum ... http://witcracker.com/my-imaginary-stand-up-routine-vol-1.php A Comic Book Fan Ponders the Mechanics of His Favorite Superheroes’ Wieners   How come Bruce Banner grows out of everything but his pants when he turns into the Hulk?  Is it because his special parts stay the same size while everything else grows incredibly big and green?  That would suck.  I ... http://witcracker.com/what-good-is-philosophy-if-it-leaves-all-the-important-questions-unanswered.php I know.  I know.  I've been especially lazy in terms of posting on here as of late, but for good reason.  A few other things I've written may soon end up being published.   But just online.  So settle down.   In the meantime, please check out this link to Michael Lacher's painfully hilarious ... http://witcracker.com/funniest-thing-ive-read-this-week.php  [Pulling into the BevMo (a store that sells only alcoholic beverages) parking lot] "You know, it's really a shame they don't have special parking for expectant mothers."   [After I read aloud a Christmas card greeting with "Have fun celebrating Juniper's first Christmas" written on it] B: "They're having fun?  How?" A: "They're telling us to." B: "Oh.  That makes ... http://witcracker.com/turkisms-vol-14-good-parenting.php Gentle Readers,   You've longed for sound paleoanthropological humor.    Your pleading pleas had gone unheard.   Or, so you thought.   I heard them.   I ignored them for a while.   And then, I responded.   Please enjoy And Now a Few Minutes With Andy Rooney's Homo Erectus Ancestor over at The Morning News.   Paleoanthropologically, Merry Andrew http://witcracker.com/check-out-my-latest-at-the-morning-news.php Washington, DC is 12 square miles bordered by reality. - Andrew Johnson     I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. - Jimmy Carter     Being president is like running a cemetery: you've got a lot of people under you and nobody's listening.   –Bill Clinton http://witcracker.com/wwoww-xviii-presidents-edition.php A classic from the archives at McSweeney's.  You can thank me, post-coitally, on Monday.  R, Merry Andrew TWO PREVIOUSLY KNOWN AND 15 BRAND-NEW CLOSING SIGNATURES, TO BE INSERTED AT THE END OF YOUR LOVE LETTERS FOR VALENTINE'S OR ANY OTHER DAY. BY MIKE SACKS - - - - X = A kiss. O = A hug. R = A ... http://witcracker.com/youll-need-this-tomorrow.php [The following comments ensued when Burcu sat down to watch roughly fifteen minutes of Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back.  The fifteen minutes in question start as Luke Skywalker flies to Dagobah to seek out Yoda.]   "Look!  He's a vagabond...What's a vagabond?"   "Is he going to Yodaland?"   "What is he eating?  A ... http://witcracker.com/turkisms-vol-13-the-turkisms-strike-back.php I'm doing what I've always wanted to do.    Watch dinosaurs do it.    And by it, I mean the sex.   Now, thanks to Discovery Channel, the cable-watching public will be able to witness their favorite terrible lizards doing the nasty.  Better yet, there's none of the shame associated with porn.  Why?  Because it's science!   I ... http://witcracker.com/i-know-what-im-doing-this-valentines-day.php