Thanks. Wow. What a great audience.
[Attempt to adjust microphone. Fail. Give up adjusting microphone and crouch uncomfortably to speak into microphone. Fumble notecards.]
They say that the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I don’t agree. I think it’s through the sternum.
[Pause for laughter.]
Then again, the sternum is kind of difficult to break through, so maybe it’s faster to just go through the ribs. But the stomach? No. That’s too low. And messy.
[Wait patiently for laughter. Resume after ten seconds.]
Maybe someone should tell them that what they are saying isn’t correct.
[Fumble notecards. Wipe sweat from right brow, which is producing a discernibly greater proportion of perspiration than the left side. Think I should get that checked out with a doctor. Realize I've been standing silent for more than twenty seconds. Laugh nervously.]
I’m going to quit doing things that build character. After thirty years, I think I’ve developed my character enough already.
[Audience member coughs.]
I say it’s time to focus on the plot.
[Look up and smile proudly.]
Seriously, this story was going nowhere, what with all this character development and no plot.
[Fumble, then drop all notecards. Follow by picking up notecards. Long awkward pause as I have difficulty picking up one of the notecards. For some reason, I just can't catch any of the edges of the card with my fingernail. Give up trying to pick up notecard and read last notecard in squatting position, squinting. Realize I have to fart. Try unsuccessfully to restrain fart.]
Isn’t it odd that there’s only one tiny little “s” separating laughter from slaughter. That seems like a pretty colossal divide to bridge with just one letter. Unless you don’t laugh at my jokes. Then that divide can disappear almost instantaneously.
[Profound, deafening silence. Murmuring offstage]
What’s that? My time is up? Okay…well, you’ve been a fantastic audience. I’ll be performing again the first Thursday of next month at the very same Open Mic Comedy Night here at Laverne’s Comedy Shack and Bar. Be sure to attend to hear these jokes again and, if you’re lucky, a new one.
