Thanks.  Wow.  What a great audience.

 

[Attempt to adjust microphone.  Fail.  Give up adjusting microphone and crouch uncomfortably to speak into microphone.  Fumble notecards.]

 

 They say that the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.  I don’t agree.  I think it’s through the sternum. 

 

 [Pause for laughter.]

 

Then again, the sternum is kind of difficult to break through, so maybe it’s faster to just go through the ribs.  But the stomach?  No.  That’s too low.  And messy. 

 

 [Wait patiently for laughter.  Resume after ten seconds.]

 

Maybe someone should tell them that what they are saying isn’t correct.

 

 [Fumble notecards.  Wipe sweat from right brow, which is producing a discernibly greater proportion of perspiration than the left side.  Think I should get that checked out with a doctor.  Realize I've been standing silent for more than twenty seconds.  Laugh nervously.]

 

 I’m going to quit doing things that build character.  After thirty years, I think I’ve developed my character enough already. 

 

 [Audience member coughs.]

 

I say it’s time to focus on the plot. 

 

 [Look up and smile proudly.]

 

Seriously, this story was going nowhere, what with all this character development and no plot.

 

 [Fumble, then drop all notecards.  Follow by picking up notecards.  Long awkward pause as I have difficulty picking up one of the notecards.  For some reason, I just can't catch any of the edges of the card with my fingernail.  Give up trying to pick up notecard and read last notecard in squatting position, squinting.  Realize I have to fart.  Try unsuccessfully to restrain fart.]

 

Isn’t it odd that there’s only one tiny little “s” separating laughter from slaughter.  That seems like a pretty colossal divide to bridge with just one letter.  Unless you don’t laugh at my jokes.  Then that divide can disappear almost instantaneously.

 

 [Profound, deafening silence.  Murmuring offstage]

 

 What’s that?  My time is up?  Okay…well, you’ve been a fantastic audience.  I’ll be performing again the first Thursday of next month at the very same Open Mic Comedy Night here at Laverne’s Comedy Shack and Bar.  Be sure to attend to hear these jokes again and, if you’re lucky, a new one.

Ahoy and Avast, ye scurvy ne’er-do-well cads!

In honor of International Talk Like a Pirate Day tomorrow, I’ve pilfered, plundered, filched, sacked, embezzled, kidnapped, ravaged, rifled, looted, extorted, marauded, and even high-jacked the saltiest (best or worst, depends on where you stand w/r/t pirate jokes) seadog shenanigans for your preparation and perusal.

Fair winds and following seas, ye’ scoundrels! 

 

Why did the pirate cross the sea?

To get to the other tide!

 

What happens when you have sex with a pirate?

You get an AAAARRRrrrggggasm!  Oh, and syphilis too.

  

What is a pirate’s favorite retort to name-calling?

I know you ARRRrrrgh but what am ‘aye?!

 

What does a pirate use on his hemorrhoids?

Prep-ARRRRrrrrgggh-ation H!

 

Where is a pirate’s first choice for college?

Yale.  Just kidding.  Harrrrvarrrrd!

 

Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?

Because they can spend years at C!

 

What do you call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?

Rookie!

  

What do you call a pirate who can’t conduct a good raid?

The pillage idiot. Har!

 

Why do all pirates have eyepatches?

Chuck Norris.

 

How much are pirate union fees?

An arm and a leg!

 

Why do pirates always bury their treasure 18 inches below the ground?

Because booty is only shin deep!

 

What do you call a pirate with no eye?

A prate!

 

 Why do pirates subscribe to Playboy?

They say it’s for the ARRRRRticles, but it’s mainly for the booty!

 

What did the first mate find when he went into the head?

The Captain’s log.

 

Why is pirating so addictive?

Once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked!

 

What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?

A sunken chest with no booty!

 

What do a bleached blonde and a pirate have in common?

A little black patch.

 

Why do pirates make such great boxers?

They have killer left hooks.

 

What do you call a black pirate?

A pirate, you racist seadog!

 

How many pirates with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Oh, look a parrot!

 

What was the excruciatingly slow, bloody, and painful cause of Capt. Hook’s death?

Jock itch.

 

Where do you find pirates who’ve lost their wooden legs?

Right where you left them.

 

Two ships were crossing the ocean, coming from opposite directions towards one another.  One ship was painted red and travelling at 45 knots per hour.  The other ship was painted blue and travelling 20 knots per hour.  What happened when the ships collided?

They were marooned.

 

What has 8 legs, 8 arms, and 8 eyes?

8 pirates.

 

What’s the best way to keep pirates off your lawn?

Beavers.

 

 A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.

The bartender asks, “Why are you wearing a paper towel?”

“Arrr…” says the pirate. “I’ve got a bounty on me head!”

 

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!”

“What do you mean?” the pirate replies, “I’m fine.”

The bartender says, “But what about that wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

“Well,” says the pirate, “We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I’m fine, really.”

“Yeah,” says the bartender, “But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands.”

“Well,” says the pirate, “We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really.”

“Oh,” says the bartender, “What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes.”

“Well,” says the pirate, “One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye.”

“So?” replied the bartender, “what happened? You couldn’t have lost an eye just from some bird shit!”

“It was the day after I got the hook.”