It’s no secret that I’m a fan of pirates.  Sure, I’m aware that historically speaking, they were nothing but a bunch of uneducated, torturing, raping, murdering terrors on the sea that were hated by pretty much everyone equally. 

 

But, I like those things.

 

Given my appreciation for the blatantly fictional, romanticized, and idealized versions of pirates I so fondly favor, I was both taken and bamboozled by this book I recently came across.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Doth mine eyes deceive me?  Did I just “doth” correctly?

 

A love of (pleasuring) pirates. 

 

The same last name as myself. 

 

Clearly, I’ve found my soulmate, who judging by the last name, is either a relative of mine or a wife that I’m unfamiliar with.  Being as how she’s a writer and loves pirates, either option works for me.

 

Of course, this could all just be an admittedly inelaborate plot to throw you off the fact that I write pirate-based erotic fiction in my spare time.  And, that the theme of said pirate-based erotic fiction is primarily concerned with pleasuring pirates, which of course I know absolutely nothing about.  [Wink, wink, nudge, nudge] 

 

As a pseudonym, you have to admit that assuming a woman’s name is the perfect ploy to fool everyone.  And using my last name…why, it’s just so stupid, it just might work.

The popular pirate phrase “Shiver me timbers” refers not to the quaking of the mast when a ship was hit by cannonfire or ran aground, but rather to a little known side effect of scurvy: epileptic erections.

Normally, I like to avoid publishing other people’s work here, but I couldn’t help but showcase a brilliant pirate-based list found over at McSweeneys written by Christopher Robinson.

Enjoy:

Captain Blackbeard’s College of Piracy
— Ye Olde Course Catalogue, Spring ‘10.

BY CHRISTOPHER ROBINSON

- – - -

ECON 212: Fluctuations in the Buillon market

ENGL 442: Post-structuralist Decay and the Hermeneutics of Land-lubbing

ENGL 515: Lawless Scallywags and Counter-hegemonic Narratives

LING 224: Sign and signifier: Chomsky on Arrrrr

LING 310: Semiotics of the Jolly Roger

MATH 348: Game Theory and the Albatross

MED 458: Extemporaneous Prosthetics: Pegs and Hooks

PHIL 360: Epistemology of Davy Jones Locker

PHIL 390: Dancing the Hempen Jig: The Ethics of Capital Punishment

PHYS 220: Directional Combustion and Projectile Motion

PLSC 216: Filthy Bilge Rats: the Aleatory Class System on the High Seas

REL 336: Yam Gods of the Barbary Coast

SOC 212: All Hands on Deck: a Marxist Approach to Piracy and Leadership

SOC 469: Captain Jack and Captain Jim: Heteronormativity and the Modern Pirate

SOC 740: A Post-feminist Approach to the Mayor’s Daughter

 

Click here for the direct link and to read other great McSweeneys lists.

“When I was younger, one of the baker’s sons was in love with me.  I could have been rolling in dough.”

 

 

One evening, Burcu and I were playing the board game, Cranium, and it was her turn to act out the clues in a manner similar to charades (using only gestures and sounds, but no words).  The card’s only clue was that it was a person.

 

Burcu proceeded to walk merrily across the room and appear to take off an imaginary coat, all the while humming an indiscernible tune.

 

Rather unexpectedly, she begins to simulate the act of a man masturbating himself, eyes rolled back in her head, and grunting.  Naturally, I am shocked.  Or, at least I pretend to be.  This is, after all, Burcu.  But still, this is supposed to be a game that kids can play.

 

This sequence of events repeats for two more cycles before our time runs out.  I am completely baffled.

 

Burcu, exasperated, begins to argue that she couldn’t believe I didn’t guess the answer.

 

“You know, it was that guy with the children’s show who got caught masturbating in a theater.”

 

“Oh, okay, Pee Wee Herman,” I reply.

 

“Oh.  That’s not what the card says.”

 

First confusion, then a sheepish smile spreads across Burcu’s face as she looks at the card.

 

“Okay then, who’s Mr. Rogers?”

 

He was the nice man in the sweater that I used to watch at my grandmother’s house, before the imagery of that charade forever raped my childhood.  That’s who.  It’s no wonder Mr. Rogers had to keep asking, “Won’t you be my neighbor?”

 

 

 

I’m a bit of a connoisseur of pirate jokes and had recently told one to Burcu that has numerous variations, but boils down to essentially this premise:

 

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship’s steering wheel down his pants. 

The bartender says, “Excuse me, but do you realize you have a ship’s wheel down the front of your pants?”

The pirate replies, “Aye, I do.  And, it’s driving me nuts.”

 

A few weeks had passed since I’d told this (or any) pirate joke, and Burcu was relating how she had this great pirate joke she wanted to tell.  Very excitedly, she sets up the joke, adding her own little flourishes, until she gets to the punch-line.

Proudly, she says:

“Aye, I know.  And it’s driving me crazy!”

 

What’s a Turkism? Find out here.

“If I were a lawyer, I’d sue the English language.” -Burcu

It is a scientifically proven fact that all pirates used to sail around yelling “Arrr” all day. 

I believe the scientists.  No question.  After all, they’re scientists.  They know these things.  But it leaves me wondering what the pirates from the metropolitan Boston area yelled while they were sailing.

“Awww?”

That’s wicked piratey.

Ahoy and Avast, ye scurvy ne’er-do-well cads!

In honor of International Talk Like a Pirate Day tomorrow, I’ve pilfered, plundered, filched, sacked, embezzled, kidnapped, ravaged, rifled, looted, extorted, marauded, and even high-jacked the saltiest (best or worst, depends on where you stand w/r/t pirate jokes) seadog shenanigans for your preparation and perusal.

Fair winds and following seas, ye’ scoundrels! 

 

Why did the pirate cross the sea?

To get to the other tide!

 

What happens when you have sex with a pirate?

You get an AAAARRRrrrggggasm!  Oh, and syphilis too.

  

What is a pirate’s favorite retort to name-calling?

I know you ARRRrrrgh but what am ‘aye?!

 

What does a pirate use on his hemorrhoids?

Prep-ARRRRrrrrgggh-ation H!

 

Where is a pirate’s first choice for college?

Yale.  Just kidding.  Harrrrvarrrrd!

 

Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?

Because they can spend years at C!

 

What do you call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?

Rookie!

  

What do you call a pirate who can’t conduct a good raid?

The pillage idiot. Har!

 

Why do all pirates have eyepatches?

Chuck Norris.

 

How much are pirate union fees?

An arm and a leg!

 

Why do pirates always bury their treasure 18 inches below the ground?

Because booty is only shin deep!

 

What do you call a pirate with no eye?

A prate!

 

 Why do pirates subscribe to Playboy?

They say it’s for the ARRRRRticles, but it’s mainly for the booty!

 

What did the first mate find when he went into the head?

The Captain’s log.

 

Why is pirating so addictive?

Once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked!

 

What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?

A sunken chest with no booty!

 

What do a bleached blonde and a pirate have in common?

A little black patch.

 

Why do pirates make such great boxers?

They have killer left hooks.

 

What do you call a black pirate?

A pirate, you racist seadog!

 

How many pirates with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Oh, look a parrot!

 

What was the excruciatingly slow, bloody, and painful cause of Capt. Hook’s death?

Jock itch.

 

Where do you find pirates who’ve lost their wooden legs?

Right where you left them.

 

Two ships were crossing the ocean, coming from opposite directions towards one another.  One ship was painted red and travelling at 45 knots per hour.  The other ship was painted blue and travelling 20 knots per hour.  What happened when the ships collided?

They were marooned.

 

What has 8 legs, 8 arms, and 8 eyes?

8 pirates.

 

What’s the best way to keep pirates off your lawn?

Beavers.

 

 A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.

The bartender asks, “Why are you wearing a paper towel?”

“Arrr…” says the pirate. “I’ve got a bounty on me head!”

 

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!”

“What do you mean?” the pirate replies, “I’m fine.”

The bartender says, “But what about that wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

“Well,” says the pirate, “We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I’m fine, really.”

“Yeah,” says the bartender, “But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands.”

“Well,” says the pirate, “We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really.”

“Oh,” says the bartender, “What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes.”

“Well,” says the pirate, “One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye.”

“So?” replied the bartender, “what happened? You couldn’t have lost an eye just from some bird shit!”

“It was the day after I got the hook.”