[Pulling into the BevMo (a store that sells only alcoholic beverages) parking lot]

“You know, it’s really a shame they don’t have special parking for expectant mothers.”

[After I read aloud a Christmas card greeting with "Have fun celebrating Juniper's first Christmas" written on it]

B: “They’re having fun?  How?”

A: “They’re telling us to.”

B: “Oh.  That makes more sense.”

[As we exit a restaurant, we see a small girl crawling around and playing in the gravel near the parking lot as her father, indifferent, stares into the distance.]

“At least he won’t have to save for college.”

What’s a Turkism? Find out here.

“If I were a lawyer, I’d sue the English language.” -Burcu

[Looking up into my eyes, after a warm hug]

“You know, I really look up to you.  But only out of necessity.  You’re taller than me.”

“It must be hard to be a man.  Get it?  Get it?  Hard.  You know, the erections.”

“You’re a serial killer.  You killed my spirit.  My dreams.  My youth.  My happiness.  Where did you bury them?”

“Spoon me.  I’m Batman.”

What’s a Turkism? Find out here.

“If I were a lawyer, I’d sue the English language.” -Burcu

[As I turn the television to the Discovery Channel]

“I don’t want to learn.  God damnit, I’m gonna close my eyes.  Change it!”

“I don’t know what that means and I’m not going to learn it now!”

[Covers ears with her hands and yells "La La La La La"]

[Testing to see if she knows which presidents are on US currency]

A: “Who’s on the ten dollar bill?”

B: “Jack Daniels?”

[The Christmas song by Alvin & the Chipmunks starts to play on the radio with "Dave" saying "Alright, chipmunks!"]

B: [Outraged] “What?!?  What did he just say?”

A: “He’s talking to his chipmunk children.”

B: “Oh.  I thought he was insulting us.”

What’s a Turkism? Find out here.

“If I were a lawyer, I’d sue the English language.” -Burcu

“I have no shame.  Just look at what I’m wearing.”

[Watching Juniper move her hand in myriad, dexterous ways]

A: “Looks like she’s flashing gang signs.  Are you a Blood or a Crip, little one?”

B: “She’s a shark.”

A: ?

B: “She’s old school.”

“Beggars can’t be choosers.  Actually, I once met a beggar that was a chooser.  In Turkey.  When I was in high school.”

What’s a Turkism? Find out here.

“If I were a lawyer, I’d sue the English language.” -Burcu

“Embrace the idea of hugs.”

[Looking out at our backyard, full of weeds] 

“We should buy a cow and let it graze…and we’ll call it Graze Anatomy.” 

[Groan]

“Everyone knows I’m a hetero-genius!”

“The French bear, Winnie de Pooh.”

What’s a Turkism? Find out here.

“If I were a lawyer, I’d sue the English language.” -Burcu

[To me, as I was attempting to sleep in on a Saturday morning.]

“You’re so much like a sea otter.  You don’t want to come out from under the covers.  Another way you resemble a sea otter: your beautiful smile.”

[Singing] 

When I look into your eyes, I see love.

When I look into your ears, I see wax.

When I look into your mouth, I see food.

I wish that I could eat it with you.

“I never liked maps.  They always felt so forced.  Go to sleep now.”

“Feliz Jalepenos!  Accidente caliente!”

[Spelling, in the format of a spelling bee]

“Squirrel.  S – Squirrel, Q – Squirrel, U – Squirrel, [etc. etc.]”

What’s a Turkism? Find out here.

“If I were a lawyer, I’d sue the English language.” -Burcu

[All of the following are the sweet nothings whispered to me by my dear wife.]

“If I’m bored and want a good laugh, I’ll read your mind.”

“You know how Michael Phelps has a body perfectly built for swimming?  You have a body perfectly built for shitting.  Great ass to face ratio.  If only it were an Olympic sport.”

“You’re a habitual bitch…a ubiquitous bitch.”

[Seeing our cat diligently sweeping up her food crumbs around her dish with her paw for several minutes]

“I think we have a cat with obsessive-repulsive disorder.”

What’s a Turkism? Find out here.

“If I were a lawyer, I’d sue the English language.” -Burcu

“Mock my words.” 

(Mark my words.)

“Don’t get your pennies in a bunch.”

(Don’t get your panties in a bunch.) 

[After she insisted that panties in a bunch didn’t make sense, I asked how pennies did.  The explanation: “You know, like when you have way too many pennies in your pocket.”]

[Making loud, strange gargling/yelling sounds]

“Who am I?  Guess.” 

[I try to guess and fail.] 

“I’m a Chihuahua.”

[Puzzled]

“You know, from Star Wars.”

Les: “Bye guys, I’m heading out for the afternoon.  Going on a road trip to Cedar Rapids.”

Burcu: “You are?  Really?”

Les: “Yeah, why?”

Burcu: “You’re going to see the rabbits?”

Les: “Yeah, I have to go to Cedar Rapids.”

Burcu: “You have to?”

Les: “Yeah, for work.”

Burcu: “Huh.  How far do you have to go to see the rabbits?”

Les: “Iowa.”

Burcu: “Oh…really?  Okay.”

What’s a Turkism? Find out here.

“If I were a lawyer, I’d sue the English language.” -Burcu

“You lost me at hello.”

“Give a man a fish and he’ll eat it.  Teach him how to fish…and that’s awesome.”

“You are the apple of my eye, the banana of my pants.”

“You’re not a Good Samaritan.  You’re a Great Samaritan.”

What’s a Turkism?  Find out here.

 “If I were a lawyer, I’d sue the English language.” -Burcu